I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
