Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
