Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
