some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
