I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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