i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
