I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
