Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
