im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
