So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
