I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
