I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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