Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
