Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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