Plan B is the new Plan A
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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