In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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