i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
