I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
