I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Damn victory sex feels great
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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