there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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