So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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