Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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