I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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