I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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