I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Randomize
