so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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