i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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