What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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