i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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