I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
