You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
