i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
