you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
