Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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