never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
