My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
