I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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