I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
