do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The adults are the big ones right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
