He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
