he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
