Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
