between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
