I met the friendliest cop last night
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
