I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
high people should be assigned attendants
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
