I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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