my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
