Ketchup is God's man juice
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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