Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
