first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
