alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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