Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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